19 March 2023
As some of you may know, I’m having a very intimate, very challenging journey with my Mum’s multiple myeloma (an incurable blood cancer). Being the chemo ‘support person’, I have a front row seat to this shitty event.
I’m going to describe what this journey is like, from a high frequency, and a lower frequency perspective (I have done both on multiple occasions).
The outward journey is the same, yet they are two vastly different experiences, perceived through entirely different lenses. One is just plain unfair and utterly desolate. And the other, is full of meaning, wisdom and powerful fuel. Neither are easy.
Before I get started, I’m just going to bust the myth that when you’re in high frequency state of being, ‘bad things’ don’t happen.
That somehow, we should know how to manifest only ‘good’ things.
Bullshit. This is earth school. As humans, we signed up for ALL that the earth experience offers – at this point in our existence, this includes so-called ‘bad things’ happening. Like losing loved ones and experiencing pain and suffering.
It means we sign up for challenges of all kinds, encompassing a vast scale, from a ‘meh’ brush-it-off 1/10, to an off-the-charts, balls-to-the-wall 11/10 – which is otherwise known as painful shit being incessantly hurled at you.
These are our opportunities to learn. It’s one facet of how we experience this particular game called life – at this point in time.
But two people can experience the same situation very differently. One person may grow enormously from painful experiences, and another may crawl to addiction to escape it. I have done both. Thankfully, I am now in the former category, because the latter ain’t no solution at all. It’s a monster.
The amount you are able to grow from a situation, is in direct proportion to how difficult it is.
So back in May 2021, my Mum relapsed with multiple myeloma after two years in remission, and things got really urgent, really fast. I’m not going to allocate energy or airtime writing about how cruel and vicious this disease is. You can look it up if you want to know.
I ended up being the support person who went in with her to Peter MacCallum Cancer Centre here in Melbourne, for treatment (chemotherapy and immunothearpy) every week.
Every Thursday in the middle of winter 2021, I got up while it was still dark and caught the train into the city to meet her at 8am – right in the middle of one of our six covid lockdowns.
Medical reasons were one of only four reasons we were legally allowed to leave home. Everything was closed. The trains were empty. The city was deserted – there were no office workers, shoppers or tourists. It was surreal, like I was in the Twilight Zone.
It was also freezing and very bleak, and every Thursday we met at the hospital and we sat together for hours while she had chemo. For the first few months we weren’t sure if this treatment was even working or not.
It started as a long, nine hour day, and then after around six months, treatment reduced to around three hours, and became monthly instead of weekly (which at the time, was a huge reason to be grateful).
At the time of writing this post – in August 2022 – we’re still meeting there every month. The treatment did work for a while, but has since stopped working.
I’ve observed myself closely during these 15 months. And I experience the situation entirely different, depending on my frequency.
If I’m in a lower frequency state – the situation deeply saddens me. The lower frequency state seeps in if I get stuck in worry or fear for too long – so I’m very conscious to try my best not to do this, because it snowballs.
When I’m in a low frequency state, the suffering I witness in the people at the hospital clings to me. I can see the fear in them, and in their carers – often their husbands or wives. I see the bruises, and people in physical pain, many who can barely walk. My heart breaks for the people who are alone, with no one sitting with them at all. They have no one to fill this carer’s role.
I get really sad witnessing my Mum’s fear. It is honestly gutting that this is happening to her. If you knew her past, she has gone through things in her life that no one should ever have to go through. I hate seeing her wondering why her God is punishing her, or won’t heal her (she is deeply religious). It hurts me to hear her question out loud, why she got dealt this hand.
And I feel helpless. I have no answers for her.
My Mum and I have had a broken relationship for many years of our lives (because of these religious beliefs), and these days I’m very protective over her. It makes me really mad to see this happen to her.
When I’m in a lower frequency state of being, it’s utterly unfair. I do wonder, “Why my Mum?” “Why me?” My Mum was originally diagnosed back in April 2016 – exactly one year and five months after I lost my dad to suicide.
So through a low frequency lens, HELL YEAH I’ve asked, “What’s with all the short fucking sticks universe?”
Lower frequency me cannot see the bigger picture. I cannot see there is meaning in all this. I cannot learn from it, and I am unable to extract any wisdom or lessons from it.
It’s just too overwhelming. And this heaviness can stick to me for days afterwards.
If I’m in high frequency – which is the vast majority of visits – I can radiate love. I set the intention to transmit love to those who need it, and not absorb the suffering – and it works.
I can hold space far better. I can sit with my Mum and her fear, and not change the subject really fast because I am uncomfortable, and out of my depth.
I can zoom out to the higher perspective, and I can see the ways in which this is teaching me.
This ‘zooming out’ to the bigger picture – is a massive deal.
It is literally the difference between being stuck in a painful human experience, and being able to zoom out to a higher perspective – and see that it is not for nothing. This brings great purpose and comfort (I’ll be writing more about this soon).
I can clearly see how I am able to channel the pain into fuel to do my work.
Interesting side note: this timing coincides with a pretty significant shift on my frequency timeline graphs. Coincidence? Not to me, because I KNOW I shifted significantly because of this situation. It cracked me open to FEEL MORE and enabled me to access stronger intention to do my work.
This experience has actually become ferocious fuel to do my damn best to help dissolve the earth culture that creates all kinds of preventable suffering.
I’m chucking this valuable experience in my growing bag along with my Dad’s suicide, my own catastrophic addiction and mental health damage, and I’m going to use it for good.
Our unique, painful experiences can be used as fuel. Perfect fuel. A gift if you will, to drive us to make change to stop it from happening to others in the future. I mean this.
One of the best things you can do with great pain (in my perspective), is to use it for fuel. To do the work (inner and outer). To activate emotion and compassion for others. To speak out – if you’re called to do so. To take all those baby steps that when we take them together ENDS this suffering on earth. Tiny bit by tiny bit. ALL OUR STORIES count. All our experiences count.
All our pain together is the PERFECT fuel needed to end these systems on earth that create preventable pain. Raising frequency is the key. Removing all the programs (conscious and unconscious) that create fear and suffering, and stepping into unconditional love. It ain’t a fluffy fantasy – and I am proof that it’s real (feel free to give it a go for yourself…).
Pain and suffering can be channeled into WHITE HOT HOLY FURY to become a powerful activator.
Millions of tiny actions united together is one massive movement. This is what pain is inviting us to do. Create change.
Low frequency me however cannot see this. I am just stuck in thick black weight of suffering.
High frequency me, sees that this awful experience is very meaningful. It is the key to alleviating suffering for others. It is yet another catalyst for me to help create a world where this kind of pain does not exist. It is now sacred. Purposeful. It can teach me what I need to do my work better than before.
I am able to go home, and even on the shit days I am able to be in the present moment more, rather than stuck in incessant worry loops in my head. I can see what I have control over, and what I don’t.
The difference is ALL to do with my state of consciousness. One view is shattering and depressing to me. And one is purposeful, it contains deep meaning and powerful lessons.
I know which perception I prefer.
So I am VERY CAREFUL about keeping my frequency high. It is literally a matter of life and death for me. As a highly sensitive person, if I did not have this higher perspective? The weight of this suffering would disable me – just as it used to do all those years ago.
Same situation, two very different states of consciousness. Two very different ways it affects me, my mental health and the way I show up in the world.